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- Melanie
Well golly gee willikers, what do you know?
I think I may be a little depressed.
And the thing is, it�s not supposed to be me. I get sad, yes, and I�m usually angry about something most of the time. But right now, my face feels dead, and there are tears hovering at the back of my throat.
It�s not supposed to be me. My husband is the one with clinical depression. Which he fights on a daily basis, by himself, and G-d knows I give him credit for that. But I�m the �together� one.
The couple of things I have to look forward to seem so far off, are so far off, and the space between seems like a vast vista of work, work, work for very little recognition and even less pay. New Dean talks a good game, but when it comes right down to it, it�s feeling mighty like her way or the highway, and hang the way things used to be done and what�s more convenient for anyone else. I�m still doing the work of four, sometimes five, sometimes six, and The Temp? Well, I get the feeling she�s using this gig to polish her rusty skills until a real job comes along. I have no idea when The Partner in Crime will be back.
Last week I awoke two hours before my alarm each day, and could not get back to sleep for obsessing about the day ahead. That is wrong. This is work, and I should be able to leave work at work and not think about it �til 9:30 the next morning. This week, I�ve progressed to feeling vaguely nauseated in the mornings. That is also very wrong, and something I haven�t felt for many years, not since the last time I knew it was time to leave a job. I did then. I can�t now.
Something is wrong, very wrong, when I spend the weekend in pajamas and don�t leave the house. I haven�t been to the gym in over a month. I get home with the best of intentions...�You need this! You�ll feel better, you�ll sleep better, it will improve your mood.� But the computer beckons, and the snacks beckon, and the couch beckons because why bother, really? You�re too tired; you should stay home and veg. I�m a lazy person in general � it�s even easier to acquiesce now.
At least I realize it � I haven�t been caught in the downward spiral until I can�t see my own mood in front of my face. I intend to call my doctor tomorrow (I�m also 8 months overdue for a physical � hello, taking care of oneself!) and see him as soon as possible. This isn�t right, this isn�t me and this shouldn�t be me.
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a very fine cat indeed - Friday, Jan. 17, 2014
happy new year! - Thursday, Jan. 24, 2013
this is where i am - Saturday, Jun. 30, 2012
this is how it is - Friday, Feb. 24, 2012
a very late last year's wrap-up - Wednesday, Jan. 18, 2012
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