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this is where i am
Saturday, Jun. 30, 2012

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A friend posted on Facebook this morning:

This year, June 30th is actually the middle of the calendar year. (Apparently, some years it's not.) That said, with half a year remaining, what would you like to accomplish before New Year's Eve?

And I replied, with unaccustomed candor...for Facebook, anyway,

I would like to feel happy again.

I have been in a depression for over a year-and-a-half. I have pushed away the people I love because I feel like I have nothing good to say, nothing funny or happy or interesting to bring to the table, so why should anyone want me around? I am mired in negativity, resentful of others' successes and happinesses. The simplest things, like someone innocently asking how I am, tighten my chest, make my lungs constrict. People tell me they miss me and I think, why? Because from where I stand, there's absolutely nothing to miss. I have retrained my brain so thoroughly that I cannot think positively about anything.

Every day, I count my worries instead of my blessings, because they are so much easier and more numerous. I worry about money. I worry about my parents' health and well-being. I worry about my relationships. I worry about my job. I worry about the fact that performing, which has always been my haven and the one place where I felt sure, and happy, and secure, no longer brings me joy. I worry that I no longer know how to enjoy things. That I have forgotten forever how to be...happy. That I can't get back the person I once was.

I go to therapy, and therapy has brought me reasons and rationalizations and revelations but no solutions, not yet. I take my bare bones anti-depressant, and it gets me out of bed in the morning, but not much else. And I go to yoga, which gets me moving and sweating and not thinking about my damn life for seventy-five minutes at a stretch. And is probably the only reason I actually get out of bed, every day. I go, and I cry in Savasana, and I cry in Paschimottanasana, and I cry in Adho Mukha Kapotasana. I lie there in the dark and cry. I ask for "grace and ease," and to be able to "let go," or just to be able to be, and I wait for just a shard of light to enter my soul.

But it hasn't. Not yet. Maybe something big has to happen. Maybe I am just not ready.

So this is where I am right now. And it's a hard, hard place to be.

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a very fine cat indeed - Friday, Jan. 17, 2014
happy new year! - Thursday, Jan. 24, 2013
this is where i am - Saturday, Jun. 30, 2012
this is how it is - Friday, Feb. 24, 2012
a very late last year's wrap-up - Wednesday, Jan. 18, 2012

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