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- Melanie
The question of children has been coming up more frequently as of late. I'm less disturbed by the fact that Huz & I have never had "the discussion," which I guess is a good thing.
It's not that I don't like children. People seem to think that I don't. I actually do. But the older I get, the less sure I am about having them. I've become a more selfish person as I've aged. And frankly, I'm scared. Scared of messing up a child more than my parents messed me up. As all parents do. Scared of the unknown quantity of my genetic makeup. I can't imagine the guilt of having a child born with a hereditary illness that could have been avoided. Inflicting that upon them. So there's much genetic counseling to be done there before anything is even considered. And we cannot afford to have children. We may never be able to. People say, "Oh, you always find a way...." But if it involves us starving so our child could eat, well, that's not going to do anyone much of any good, now is it?
I like children. I like my friends' children. My relatives' children. I see enough people around me who are really good parents that I'm reassured of the possibility of raising a child up right in this insane world. But I remain unsure as to whether I want to do it myself.
I have, however, discovered a way to mildly freak out my husband. When his sister was in, we spent a bit of time playing with our niece & nephew & his cousin's two girls. Huz did quite a bit of roughousing. Basically, he was a human jungle gym. I told him afterward, "Honey, you smell like kids." That kind of 'outdoorsy, too young to quite have sweat glands' smell. He could smell it, too. "Geeze, you're right...I do smell like kids!" That said, kids smell differently at different times. Babies are all Johnson's Baby Lotion and formula and A&D ointment and powder. Toddlers are, to me anyway, pancake syrup. That sweet aftersmell they get any time they've been eating something sugary. And then there's...kids. Sometimes you just smell like kids.
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